I have been single for as long as I can remember. It hasn't really bothered me. Either I was busy and didn't have time to date, or I just wasn't getting attracted to many guys. I love my freedom and to a greater degree, my independence. You could say that I'm not the clingy, dependent kind of girl. I spend my own money, drive my own car, and for a few years, I lived by myself, away from the comforts of family and home. Things that normally people would seek help for, I figured them on my own, did a lot of things on my own. I didn't have to answer to anyone or ask permission if I can do this or wear that.
Things are looking a little different now. I am still single but as my friends are one by one finding their significant others, I'm slowly filled with something akin to worry. Time goes on no matter what and not everyone is gonna get on the train on time, so to speak. The clock is ticking and even Mother Nature has no mercy. You get left behind, old and alone.
I love my friends, but being a third-wheel sucks (most of the time anyway). That's coming from someone who's a veteran at having no one to hold hands with, always riding in the backseat, and having to drink her milkshake all by herself.
I think I'm so used to being single that the idea of telling someone what I'm doing or asking what they're up to seems so foreign to me. I don't have that relationship mentality, where two people need to talk to each other several times a day. Sounds pitiful you may think, but I am wired this way because it's how I've been for the longest time. To get to know me is difficult. I have trust and vulnerability issues. Trying to destroy the wall I've built around myself will take time and determination from both me and whoever wants to get through. It is for this reason that I tend to always sabotage potential relationships.
I get scared. I run away. I take one small step forward but I consistently find myself back to where I've always been.
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